Alliteration at its best, found in the title of this post. I'm not sure why I'm writing this, maybe I feel not even my xanga is safe for these eccentric thoughts. They're so, unlike me. I don't know where they are coming from, but I've become mildly depressed about my life in the last 10 minutes.
The depression is sparked by how vast my mind is, and then, how much I still don't know. How much I still wish I knew, I wish I knew much more than I know. How useless is it to want to do that? I'm a stupid stupid girl.
I don't even feel like writing this anymore.
Monday, October 22, 2007
Thursday, October 18, 2007
The Only One I Come Undone For
This is probably, the only time I will get to say everything that I have been thinking about these past few days, for this is the only time I have, so I'll try to get it all out.
Lately, I've been worried about a lot of things/people. I'm worried about my test scores, my grades, assignments, and the way I appear to people. I'm trying my best, and I think I'm failing horribly. Life expects a lot out of me. I have many talents, in fact, I wonder sometimes, what am I supposed to do with all of them. I can sing, and I still haven't figured that one out. My piano collects dust, and I wish I had all the time in the world to do all these things I can, but everything must take the back seat to all the expectations set out by my full schedule. I have homework to last me the year, and enough things to do, that I don't understand how I find time to do it all. I don't actually, because a lot of it is left undone. I haven't even thought about going to harvard next summer, because I know I won't be able to get the money in time. Yet, it is a dream of mine, to for one summer in my life, leave everyone I know behind, and just have some time to myself.
Justin Matthew Evans. I feel like a stupid idiot for allowing myself to fall for him after all the crap he does to people, and me. He's a different person, yet, somewhere underneath there, he is still the Justin I fell for a long time ago. So why is he being so difficult? Why can't I just allow myself to want to let him go? What am I waiting for? I figure I am holding out, so that I don't let go right when he is coming around. Yet, maybe he'll never come around. It's almost too much to hope for. In the cards, Kyle G once told me that I was meant to find love in the month closest to my heart, which is december. I wonder how he knew that month meant the most to me, and if he is right. Will I find what I yearn for, in the snow? Matter of fact, what do I want anyways? Sometimes I question if it's a relationship I'm looking for, or am I just looking for the selfish ownership of another person. Sometimes the title, is more important than what it means. That idea being very stupid, and it makes me everything that I hate. A double hypocrit if possible.
This morning I woke up with an inflammed nostril, shaking limbs, and thoughts of anger. It was a very irritating day. I couldn't find a balance of emotions. I was off in a different direction every hour or so. I think I need help. I never sought it, though I've been dealing with these issue of looking in the mirror and hating what I see for years, and these cuts are constant reminders that I'm losing it slowly. They get worse everytime, and I hide them even more every time. Mauled by a bear, jumping off a roof, climbing into the attic. So many lies I tell and spin, to hide things. I guess the idea of someone knowing the real me is scary. We all judge each other, and maybe I am my own worse critic, but that doesn't make it hurt any less for someone to look at me and say, "wow tara, how messed up are you?" Ridiculous notions maybe, but even so, can you blame me? I'm insecure, yet totally pompous. I know my abilities. Yet, I always feel inadequate compared to others. I wish there was someone who could see all of me, and understand, without a question. Not really, I just wish for clarity. A sense of whats best to do, and how to get through the chaos, as I'm running toward the end of the sunset parkway.
There is a boy however. Who changes my mind about the world lately. It's funny, how much he means, and I don't even take it seriously. Maybe the reason I don't take it seriously, is because he lives so far away. Or maybe, because I don't want to complicate the light and playful mood of our friendship. Yet, there is some peace and solace in the idea of growing close to his heart. I love to worm my way into hearts. I love to poke, and prod till I know every scar, and detail. And I do want to know this about him. I want to know what he thinks of when he wakes. I want to know what scares him the most. I want to know, what he'd do if he won a million dollars. Just, a million countless hours, spent freely exploring whats beneath that paradox skin. What's under the hard brick wall. I'd love to be Ally. I'd love to be her, yet I'd hate to be like her. When he says that I'm like her, it makes me sort of sick. I have this great jealousy, and there is no reason to be jealous, since I don't take it seriously, yet I do somewhere. Let's be honest. I take it seriously at times. When I make grand jestures that go unnoticed by him, it feels nice, just to profess them. Alas, I digress. I don't like being like her. In fact, even if it is only 2 things so far that we have in common, I'd rather not be seen in his eyes like she is. I hate paying for mistakes not made by me, almost more than I hate mistakes I make myself. And so he is a boy, who I yearn to tell about the seasons, and their changes. A boy I yearn to show everything I usually conceal. A boy I yearn to tell the truth, without a worry of concealing a thing to. Daniel Copfer, came into my life, and I never took it seriously. I never spent more than a few hours contemplating the cautious steps into the light, in an aim box. A small flirtatious sentence here. A stunning metaphor there. So what does it all mean? What does he mean to me? What do I mean to him? And why does any of this matter?
As the minutes go by, I realize time grows short, and I have yet to address the mother. My mother. Whom, I sometimes, have tried to rip her apart with words, because I thought she deserved to be on the receiving end. That idea got me really far. I burn bridges with my family. Not by choice though. People in my family just burn. They're all flames, and everyone has eyes for the mirror, and not the picture. Not in the mirror, not in the picture. Is there an answer to any question about my family? I'd rather lie, or not speak at all. I've become a master at changing the subject before you think twice of it. Especially when it involves them. I actually remember getting into a minor altercation with a friend about family. He says I'll need them one day. And I think to myself, I need people, some people, but if they don't need me, where am I running, and what am I fighting for?
The question of all this is, why do I keep going, headstrong, with the wind in my hair, sand in my shoes, and water in my eyes? Even, if I achieve every goal, what does it mean? Isn't there more value in enjoyment of passions, than obligation to a law that I never knew?
Lately, I've been worried about a lot of things/people. I'm worried about my test scores, my grades, assignments, and the way I appear to people. I'm trying my best, and I think I'm failing horribly. Life expects a lot out of me. I have many talents, in fact, I wonder sometimes, what am I supposed to do with all of them. I can sing, and I still haven't figured that one out. My piano collects dust, and I wish I had all the time in the world to do all these things I can, but everything must take the back seat to all the expectations set out by my full schedule. I have homework to last me the year, and enough things to do, that I don't understand how I find time to do it all. I don't actually, because a lot of it is left undone. I haven't even thought about going to harvard next summer, because I know I won't be able to get the money in time. Yet, it is a dream of mine, to for one summer in my life, leave everyone I know behind, and just have some time to myself.
Justin Matthew Evans. I feel like a stupid idiot for allowing myself to fall for him after all the crap he does to people, and me. He's a different person, yet, somewhere underneath there, he is still the Justin I fell for a long time ago. So why is he being so difficult? Why can't I just allow myself to want to let him go? What am I waiting for? I figure I am holding out, so that I don't let go right when he is coming around. Yet, maybe he'll never come around. It's almost too much to hope for. In the cards, Kyle G once told me that I was meant to find love in the month closest to my heart, which is december. I wonder how he knew that month meant the most to me, and if he is right. Will I find what I yearn for, in the snow? Matter of fact, what do I want anyways? Sometimes I question if it's a relationship I'm looking for, or am I just looking for the selfish ownership of another person. Sometimes the title, is more important than what it means. That idea being very stupid, and it makes me everything that I hate. A double hypocrit if possible.
This morning I woke up with an inflammed nostril, shaking limbs, and thoughts of anger. It was a very irritating day. I couldn't find a balance of emotions. I was off in a different direction every hour or so. I think I need help. I never sought it, though I've been dealing with these issue of looking in the mirror and hating what I see for years, and these cuts are constant reminders that I'm losing it slowly. They get worse everytime, and I hide them even more every time. Mauled by a bear, jumping off a roof, climbing into the attic. So many lies I tell and spin, to hide things. I guess the idea of someone knowing the real me is scary. We all judge each other, and maybe I am my own worse critic, but that doesn't make it hurt any less for someone to look at me and say, "wow tara, how messed up are you?" Ridiculous notions maybe, but even so, can you blame me? I'm insecure, yet totally pompous. I know my abilities. Yet, I always feel inadequate compared to others. I wish there was someone who could see all of me, and understand, without a question. Not really, I just wish for clarity. A sense of whats best to do, and how to get through the chaos, as I'm running toward the end of the sunset parkway.
There is a boy however. Who changes my mind about the world lately. It's funny, how much he means, and I don't even take it seriously. Maybe the reason I don't take it seriously, is because he lives so far away. Or maybe, because I don't want to complicate the light and playful mood of our friendship. Yet, there is some peace and solace in the idea of growing close to his heart. I love to worm my way into hearts. I love to poke, and prod till I know every scar, and detail. And I do want to know this about him. I want to know what he thinks of when he wakes. I want to know what scares him the most. I want to know, what he'd do if he won a million dollars. Just, a million countless hours, spent freely exploring whats beneath that paradox skin. What's under the hard brick wall. I'd love to be Ally. I'd love to be her, yet I'd hate to be like her. When he says that I'm like her, it makes me sort of sick. I have this great jealousy, and there is no reason to be jealous, since I don't take it seriously, yet I do somewhere. Let's be honest. I take it seriously at times. When I make grand jestures that go unnoticed by him, it feels nice, just to profess them. Alas, I digress. I don't like being like her. In fact, even if it is only 2 things so far that we have in common, I'd rather not be seen in his eyes like she is. I hate paying for mistakes not made by me, almost more than I hate mistakes I make myself. And so he is a boy, who I yearn to tell about the seasons, and their changes. A boy I yearn to show everything I usually conceal. A boy I yearn to tell the truth, without a worry of concealing a thing to. Daniel Copfer, came into my life, and I never took it seriously. I never spent more than a few hours contemplating the cautious steps into the light, in an aim box. A small flirtatious sentence here. A stunning metaphor there. So what does it all mean? What does he mean to me? What do I mean to him? And why does any of this matter?
As the minutes go by, I realize time grows short, and I have yet to address the mother. My mother. Whom, I sometimes, have tried to rip her apart with words, because I thought she deserved to be on the receiving end. That idea got me really far. I burn bridges with my family. Not by choice though. People in my family just burn. They're all flames, and everyone has eyes for the mirror, and not the picture. Not in the mirror, not in the picture. Is there an answer to any question about my family? I'd rather lie, or not speak at all. I've become a master at changing the subject before you think twice of it. Especially when it involves them. I actually remember getting into a minor altercation with a friend about family. He says I'll need them one day. And I think to myself, I need people, some people, but if they don't need me, where am I running, and what am I fighting for?
The question of all this is, why do I keep going, headstrong, with the wind in my hair, sand in my shoes, and water in my eyes? Even, if I achieve every goal, what does it mean? Isn't there more value in enjoyment of passions, than obligation to a law that I never knew?
Wednesday, May 2, 2007
I Didn't Think So
Yet, I will use this lonely blog created to know a boy named Danny. It seems that we are a lot alike in the lives we lead. Well, at least I hope he's not as pathetic as me when it comes to much of dealing with things. In most important news, I decided what I need to do is give Justin his space. I won't initiate any conversation with him over the next few days. In fact, maybe I won't talk to him again till next week. Of course, unless, he says something to me, but I think he just needs to feel as if he can make his decision without pressure from me always trying to hold him close to me, in a metaphorical sense anyways.
I miss Justin Evans a lot during this time. We used to have so much fun talking during the summer. He was so fun. I liked the person I was, when he was there. I like the person I am when he talks. One of the few people I can relax around. No impressions to make. Since that's what I hate the most. Are people you have to impress. I just wish getting accepted by people was as easy as getting accepted into Sinclair lol.
I miss Justin Evans a lot during this time. We used to have so much fun talking during the summer. He was so fun. I liked the person I was, when he was there. I like the person I am when he talks. One of the few people I can relax around. No impressions to make. Since that's what I hate the most. Are people you have to impress. I just wish getting accepted by people was as easy as getting accepted into Sinclair lol.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)